I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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