i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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