Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
