i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
