so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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