Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
