Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
