dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
