If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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