I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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