if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
