i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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