You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
