Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
