this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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