In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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