don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
