im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
