u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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