so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
