is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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