Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Couch. On fire.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
