Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
