Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
