im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
