My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize