Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
