everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
