My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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