When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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