thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
