like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
