Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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