God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
