i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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