I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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