if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
