True but thats because hes a fetus.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
