Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
