I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
