i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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