Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
