My underwear smells like fireworks.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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