Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
