Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
