Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
