Where is the hickey?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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