News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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