she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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