i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
